Have you ever tried sitting down with your mum calmly and have a word with her about all of this? Thing is, it sounds like you actually really care for her. You instinctively went to protect her when your sister went to hurt her and, despite the whole thing ending up really messy, she's still your mum and having a chat with her about everything really might help. I suggest you do it in a calm environment though and talk with her. No shouting and arguing. Just talking. You putting your views and feelings out there and listening to hers. Then asking her to listen to you. Listening to eachother is just as important as talking. The violence is something I want to pick up on. The important thing here is that you've actually recognised that you can be a violent person. There are two overwhelming factors that need to be dealt with. Firstly, your violence. Secondly, your feelings about why you're violent. In other words - dealing with having to watch your dad beat your mum. I honestly think it's quite important you deal with both of these issues. It might make life so much easier for you and your family. Less stressful, most certainly.
Have you ever considered counseling? To help deal with what you witnessed as a child. Knowing that your father, someone who is supposed to protect and love you, is doing the very opposite to the woman who's supposed to love and protect you is undoubtedly hard and I'm honestly so sorry you have to experience all of that as a child. Thing is, maybe you need some help coping with it all. What do you think? Counseling can help you get out those feelings about what happened and how you're dealing with it now. You've turned to violence yourself and are using what your father used in order to get by. As we can both see, it's not making you very happy, lovely. So needing a little help isn't a bad thing at all. In fact, reaching out and getting help is such a brave thing to do. Would seeing a counselor be possible? Even your school counselor?
On top of that, as I mentioned before, I think talking to your mum would be a pretty good idea. Let her know what's going on and how you're feeling about your life. Who knows why she has a problem with the way you dress but she won't know how much it hurts and affects you until you tell her. And even if she knows how bad it makes you feel you can ask her to accept you as you are because you're not changing your style for anyone, y'know? Sometimes we have to accept that our parents don't agree with certain things we do or say but that's ok. We're allowed to disagree with our parents and if she can't accept you, I understand how sad and hurtful it must be, but it's her loss too. Let her know that when you had a fight with your sister you were just trying to take care of her. Even if the fighting was wrong, she surely can't miss the sentiment in what you were trying to do. Talk, yeah?
Then there's the violence and the anger, I assume, which sets you off violently. It's not making you happy and is only causing further disruption and unhappiness in your household so it's definitely something that needs dealt with. A counselor or doctor can help you control your anger. Maybe even family counseling that could help everyone. There are also a couple of things you could try out yourself, yeah? When you begin to get angry, remove yourself from the situation. If you're in an argument and know you're going to get violent then leave the room before you can get to that stage. Give yourself time to cool off and go back and resume talking with whoever you were with. Find your triggers and then find ways to control them, yeah? For example, what sets you off most? What gets you most violent? And how you can either prevent this from happening or deal with it in a more constructive way? These are the things you honestly need to think about and try sorting out. Again, find the triggers and find ways of controlling them.
It'd probably really help if you had some support in this. Friends, your own family, a school counselor or another teacher from the one you asked last time can all help you with this. You don't and won't have to do it alone, yeah? Seek that help and use it. And even if you can't find a great deal of support you can STILL get through this and deal with this violence. It's just gonna take a lot of willpower, patience and learning, I think.
A counselor would probably benefit you, I think. To help get out those feelings about what happened when you were a child and to help you find new ways of coping. It's understandable that you've turned to violence yourself after growing up around what you did, but you can break this cycle.
As for now, take some time to chill out. Go somewhere and relax, yeah? Things can get easier for you as you begin to deal with each issue one by one. It'll take a good while yet but the sooner you do something about these issues the sooner you can get a little de-stressed! Stress is such a natural part of life, unfortunately. It's how you deal with it though that really matters. At the moment it's making you really depressed and quite violent, and I suppose it's our aim to change that. Try out the things I mentioned above. You could also try taking some time out for yourself every day to just chill. Listen to some music, take a long bath, go for a walk. Just do something for you that'll make yourself feel good. Life's hard, really hard, so it's important you take these breaks.
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