there's this one girl, we'll call her A. A and I have been great friends forever. we started to get close in 5th grade, and then romantically close in around 8th. ever since then we just keep getting closer and closer. now I am a junior in high school. there's been a couple nights where things get really good.

she comes over, we start to watch a movie, things progress, but we never make it to sex. I don't know why. she says that she doesn't want to ruin our friendship. anyway, although we both really like each other, we aren't going out. I've asked her a couple times but she always pulls the friend card. she really treats me like shit. she's a busy girl, but this is just ridiculous.

she never has her phone on, she can never hang out. she's a total flake. she builds me up so high and then tears me down. most times we make plans she cancels within hours of the time I was supposed to pick her up, leaving me no time to make new plans. when she cancels on me, I usually get depressed for a couple hours, but it will always pass within a day. this time it's worse. she was supposed to come to my house on Halloween.

a group of friends and I always trick or treat. she told me she'd be there. 6:30, Halloween night. she calls me and tells me she won't be able to make it. instead, she decided to go to a party where she got completely shit faced and ended up fucking her ex boyfriend. my cousin, who was at the party, told me later that night what had happened, tho A didn't tell me for another week. her excuse was simply, "i was really drunk." I knew I needed to move on long before Halloween.

there was this girl in my music class. really cute, really sweet. we always flirted. before I had the chance to make any sort of move, one of my best friends tells me he likes her. he asked her out like 4 days later. it kills me every time I see them together. there's a third girl.

I've had a crush on her for a while. she's also one of my good friends. she's a total flirt, and so am i. we have great chemistry. one night while we were at the movies, she told me she liked my other best friend. when he found out, he was ecstatic. he had just come off of a bad break up and this was kinda just what he needed.

now they're constantly together. I have nowhere else to turn. both of my best friends are going out with both of the girls I like.  

I dread going to school because I don't want to see either of the couples. it takes me almost a half hour to convince myself to get out of bed. I really have no motivation. lately Ive been very aware of my mortality, the fact that we all die sooner or later, and the fact that everything we do in life is just a stepping stone to the next thing. there's no end. elementary school led to middle school which led to high school which will lead to college, then the rat race, where we struggle to make ends meet while trying to get a promotion to have more money which still won't be enough.

it never ends. I think happiness is just an illusion. I mean, yeah you can be happy for a while, maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe even a couple years, but eventually you'll grow tired of what you have and there's nothing you can do about it....

I really don't see why I should continue to try.......

can you help me? I just want to be happy. really all I want is somebody to love. I've been alone for too long. all of my friends, frankly even the nerds, have gone though relationships while I sit on the sidelines tangled up in a rope of celibacy. .